Letting some things go

I wish I didn't have to sleep. I could see so much more of the world, learn so many languages, and have so many friends. But I do have to sleep. I need to close my eyes every night for a stretch of hours, and open them the next day with a fervor to complete the things interrupted by the inevitability of dreams.

When I was young, post-it notes were my sanity. I wanted to forget nothing, and so I would write all that needed to be remembered on them, and strategically place them throughout my life. My assignments for each class were stuck to the inside cover of each text. A list of Japanese graphic novels that I wanted to read was stuck to my computer screen, in addition to seven different passwords. I had a list of things I could be when I grew up, and I had a list of majors I could use to achieve those adulthood statuses. I tried to hold all of these things in my mind at once; by having them all written down, I could mentally cycle through each list and hold in mind everything that I feared may be forgotten. All of this was at the age of 10.

I grew older and graduated high school. My list making demon followed me, and grew with me. It became, not just a desire to not forget anything, but also, to do everything. I wanted to work, to take 18 credits, to have a girlfriend, to have friends, to learn to dance, to learn to box, and to have time to play on my xbox. Not even exaggerating, all of these were present on one list for one day. If anything were to fall through the cracks, I would experience what I believe is akin to a panic attack. My mind would spin, and I would attempt at wild plans for how to ensure that in the future everything that needed to be done was done.

Two years ago, I let this madness go. I came to a much contrary mindset, in fact. Now, more than anything, simplicity is what brings me peace. Having a few close friends, one or two hobbies, etc. When I let go of the need to hold onto everything, I found the joy of holding onto very little.

I will spare the 12 step plan on how to do this, because I do not know how you or anyone else should achieve this peace...or even if this state of being would bring you or anyone else peace. I do know, however, that whatever you are plagued by, you will find peace if you simply believe that everything will be ok. How you go about finding that belief is entirely in your wheelhouse.

Like I said. Everything will be ok. Just let some things go.