With our demons settled, what have we left?

I think. I think a great deal. In fact, if ever you were to pose the question "what are you thinking about?" a response of "nothing" would likely be a lie. I can, perhaps, count on my two hands the number of times in my life I can remember finding myself in a moment where there was no thought at the forefront of my mind. Maybe thought isn't the proper word, though...maybe obsession is more befitting.

I have this recurring dream of what my mind would look like if made able to be observed. I see myself sitting and staring at a notebook, half filled with text, and my pencil stopped mid stroke. I have tripped over a work or idea that has sent my mind spinning into a torrent. above my head I can see a dark storm cloud that casts darkness over the entire room, obscuring and making invisible the room around me. This storm cloud begins with small flashes of lightning internally, but the flashes become brighter and more violent, some striking down past my head and singeing the paper to which my pencil was held. Lightning strikes around the room do nothing to lessen the obscurity of the room around, but rather, make it more difficult to see.

My face is without expression, save for the occasional flash of agony, as if surprised by a sudden pain. After many moments, the pencil that laid in stasis begins to move again, and the storm cloud begins to withdraw into itself. Smaller and smaller, it gets, until it has turned to less than half its normal size with few occasional internal lightning flashes appearing. It's as though I had sealed the storm by what I wrote down on the paper.

I have described above one of my demons, as it was in a dream. From time to time I will trip across a thought or idea that will spin and spin, consuming my entire mind as it goes. I will be unable to hear the voices of those around me, and the room itself that I am in may as well not exist. I will anguish over whatever this though be until a mental resolution is found...once I arrive at this resolution, I will write it down. This act of writing out the thought and the resolution is a way of making it all tangible, and thus, more easily handled. Some of these writings I keep because they are useful even after the paining thoughts have faded, and others will be thrown away.

I wonder what I would be without this and my other demons? I wonder if I would be the same person with the same wisdom and outlook. I wonder if I would have the same creativity and critical mind. We all are plagued and weighted with challenges, both tangible and otherwise. I think these things make us who we are, though. Who are the people remembered? The ones who never struggled? No. The ones who persevered over their pain, and those who took their demons into their command and used them to run ahead.

If you took an old man with thousands of stories and look at his history, then took away each conflict and hindrance, every demon, tell me what you would be left with? Someone far less amazing, I think.

I hate "good luck"

Please note the following: I have not proof read this. I am presently very very tired.

I hate "good luck." Please do not misunderstand, though. I'm merely stating an absolute hate for the phrase in order to sound more dramatic... also to lend myself a window for a digression later on...I suppose I can't make that digression now, though, since I've shown my tricks... I digress

Though I say "I hate 'good luck,'" the phrase "good luck" is actually an important social device in the English language. I believe it to be on par with asking someone how their day has, when you don't really, in fact, care how their day has been. "Good luck" can also be used in meaningful ways, I think. Predominantly, however, it's just something to say when you have nothing else.

All of that said, there are situations wherein the phrase "good luck" is a borderline insult (I understand that in intent, it's not, but just hear me out.)

A man is about to be heading into a law school entrance exam, which he has been studying for since 6 months prior. To tell this man "good luck" would be an insult to his preparation and intelligence. Luck won't have a damn thing to do with his passing that test with flying colors. There will be no one to thank but himself.

I am not making any claims that wishing someone good luck is by any means a bad thing. My point is just this: acknowledge someone when they've achieved something by their own labors. That person may not think twice about a simple "good luck," but I guarantee they will notice a complement of their strength and perseverance.

Basically, mix up your automatic phrases. People will notice when you've taken the time something new and break the obligatory script, and you will have made them feel prouder for it.

Half way

I left the Minneapolis International Airport 49 days ago. In 49 days, I'll be going back.

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't had bad moments of missing home and wanting to go home. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't feel on top of the world quite a bit. Unfortunately, there have been a great many instances of the former. So many so that I've been driven to keep a countdown of the days and weeks to my return home.

I Skyped home today, and I spoke with my parents. I quoted my time left to my dad, and he shared with me a piece of advice that has been written into vast library of his words that I have saved in my mind. "You're in Japan right now...in two months you won't be."

It struck me, that sentence. In 50 days, I will be sitting among my wonderful family, eating Christmas dinner, opening Christmas presents, and having some Christmas beers before heading outside to work on my car in a state of inebriated elation.

Until that time, I will be in a country 6,000 miles away in one of the greatest countries in the world, sleeping on a futon, taking classes from a a German, a Brit, an Indian, and a Japanese woman. I will be living off of rice, curry, gyoza, ramen, tonkatsu, and any number of other Japanese foods. I will be spending my time with one German, one Ecuadorian, two Norwegian, and 22 American students. All of whom come from drastically different cultural backgrounds.

Every day I will walk three and a half miles to and from school. This trip will cross the hypocenter of a nuclear bomb, and at least two other memorials to that tragedy. Along the way each day I will pass three pachinko parlors, four hair salons, one walmart, one toys r us, three McDonald's, two ramen shops, five gas stations, one Home Depot-esque thing, more convenience stores than I care to counts, and a matching number of other miscellaneous tiny mom n' pop shops.

I have listed so many things above, but in the timeline that will one day show my years from start to finish, this trip to Japan will be such a small portion of a much grander life. It will register as just a blip. It will be good to smile a little more, take deeper breaths, take shorter steps, and say hi a few more times each day.